Tender Mercies and Forgiveness

I think of how often I have impulsively said something which I've later lived to regret.  This is one of the short-comings of being a "high functioning" ADD person. I don't mind apologizing to whomever it is I may have offended or hurt - but it's much better to not to have to done it in the first place!  One of the ways I have done this is how I react to my kids when they try and wear me down.  They know how what buttons to push and how to provoke me to anger, and unfortunately,  sometimes I resort to their level with my responses -- and that's not a good thing.  But it is something I am proactively working on.

I can relate to Simon Peter, one of Jesus' disciples.  He was chosen by the Lord not because of any past achievements or because he was really good at any particular skill.  Jesus saw Peter's flaws from the very beginning of their relationship.  He knew how impulsive Peter was; how impetuous and irrational he could be at times.  Jesus warned him about it on many occasions and ultimately, it was Peter's impulsive behavior that led him to betray Jesus.  He also saw incredible potential in Peter and what could happen if he were willing to submit himself to the Lord.  That's one of the really cool things about Jesus.  He sees our flaws; he sees our potential, and he is able to blend the two together to turn us into someone who can bring honor and glory to His name.

It is interesting to read all of the gospels' accounts of Jesus' betrayal and death because you can piece together the "whole story" and see it in context.   In Matthew 26:35, just prior to Jesus' arrest and subsequent crucifixion, there is the incident with Peter and his "foot-shaped-mouth" where he dramatically says to Jesus, “Even if I must die with you, I will not deny you.”  The statement was made just after Jesus predicted that Peter would deny Him three times. And we know what happened.  Peter did just that.  And the third time, in Luke 22:60-62, where immediately after that fateful moment, “the Lord turned and looked at Peter.  And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said….you will deny me three times…and he went out and wept bitterly.” I'm sure Peter experienced tremendous devastation and sadness at his foolish mistake, and he knew he could never take it back.  He would have to live with the consequences of his unfortunate actions, and he would never forget looking into the eyes of Jesus as he swore and uttered those last words, "I don't know him."  He probably felt God would never forgive him for what he did, and he would not forgive himself either.  In the "rest of the story," Mark 16:7 tells of these angels who are speaking to the women who came to the tomb to check on Jesus' body.  They told them that Jesus was not there and to “go tell the disciples and Peter…that He is not here, He is risen."  Jesus wanted to make sure that Peter knew He was forgiven; that he had been redeemed and that He still had plans for him.  Can you imagine Peter's face when he heard that message which was directed to him?  The mixed emotions he must have felt.  Undoubtedly, he had a hard time believing it, but ultimately, he accepted God's forgiveness for his failures and mistakes.

The sequel to the above story is continued in the gospel of John, in chapter 21:15-17, where Jesus is with the disciples on the beach, fishing with them.  This was after His resurrection and just prior to his ascension back to heaven.  He has a private discussion with Peter where he essentially reinstates him to the position which He had designed for him from the beginning. He wants Peter to feed His sheep, to build into His disciples, training them to become true fishers of men for His kingdom.

15. When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”  16. Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”  17. The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”  Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.

When I studied this passage many years ago, I learned that when Jesus asked Peter the first two times if he loved him, the word he used for "love" was agapeo or agape, which is a sacrificial love, the kind Jesus showed when He died on the cross for us.   Each time Peter responded with, "yes Lord, you know I love you," but he used the word "phileo" which is more of a "brotherly/friendship" type of love.  Peter was not ready to impetuously commit to saying he loved Jesus with the "agape" kind of love because of what had happened earlier.  The last time when Jesus asked Peter if he loved him, He used the word "phileo." Jesus knew Peter was not ready to commit to serving him at the highest level, at least not at that moment.  He knew Peter's heart and how raw and fragile he still was.  So Jesus met Peter where he was at.  In verse 17, it says, "Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time."  Peter did respond to him, that he did love him, but it was still in the "phileo" state of mind.  He was not going to impulsively commit to something he was not sure he could follow through with.   When Jesus asked him three times, it brought horrible memories of what he had earlier done to betray his precious savior.

The Lord showed such tender mercy towards Peter.  He showed love and forgiveness and helped him to see that He was not through with Peter - no matter what He had done.  Peter was no doubt repentant and sorry for his mistakes.  He now lacked any confidence to move forward. He did not believe he could do anything for the Lord ever again.  He put himself on that self-imposed upper shelf and felt completely useless.  Ultimately, Peter's self confidence was soon replaced with the Lord's confidence and the Spirit of God would inhabit him greatly for the rest of his life.  Peter was now very willing to wait and listen for the Lord's leading and did not want to do anything to hinder his relationship with the Lord.

I can so relate to this spiritual brother of mine.  I'm just coming off my self-imposed shelf, although I do jump back up there sometimes when I feel sad and inadequate.   What an amazing example of love and forgiveness. 

Thank you Lord Jesus for your tender mercy and kindness you show to us everyday!.  

My Father's Eyes

I remember back in the 70's when Christian recording artist, Amy Grant, was in her prime. One of my favorite songs of her was My Father's Eyes (click to see the YouTube video). The lyrics are below:

I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl, And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world. But that's all right, as long as I can have one wish I pray: When people look inside my life, I want to hear them say, (Chorus) She's got her father's eyes, Her father's eyes; Eyes that find the good in things, When good is not around; eyes that find the source of help, When help just can't be found; Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain;Knowing what you're going through and feeling it the same. Just like my father's eyes, my father's eyes, my father's eyes, Just like my father's eyes.


The chorus sums up the story. My favorite line is: “Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain; knowing what you're going through and feeling it the same.” The question of the day is: Do I really want to have my Father’s eyes? Am I prepared to follow through with what I know He wants me to do if I take His eyes on as my own? I'm firmly convinced that the more we cultivate our relationship with the Lord, a deeper degree of spiritual tenderness and sensitivity will develop in our life. We will see people and life situations more clearly through the eyes of our Father and His Son through the help of the Holy Spirit.


But there is a cost involved.  If we are really honest with ourselves, we know it's almost easier to ignore the needs and pain of others partly because of what is involved in reaching out -- using up so much of our physical, emotional and sometimes financial resources. But when you are intentional and purposeful in your desire and efforts to reach out to someone in need, you end up showing them who Jesus is by your actions.  Sometimes we are the only Jesus these people will ever see! 


Matthew 25:34-36 tells a story of a King who shares the following: "When the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."


His followers questioned him by saying, in verses 38-39, "When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?"  The King replies in verse 40, by saying, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."  Whenever we reach out to others in Jesus' name and for His sake, we are doing it for Him, and the person you are helping is blessed in the process!


I think of a sweet woman from my church who has those kind of eyes. She sees a need and reaches out, in prayer, through a touch or hug or just by her actions. She has prayed for me in church during a worship service.  She's hugged me when she has seen me in need or in tears when I've been struggling over something. She is being Jesus to me at that moment. She recently saw my Facebook post of mine where my electricity had been out for a while after a storm.  She posted a note on my page and offered to let me and my family use her hot shower and serve us a nice breakfast. What an incredible woman!! This past Sunday, she saw a new family visiting the church with a very young child.  She brought over some crayons and a coloring book and handed it to the parents so the little boy could have something to keep him busy during the service. She is a great example to me of how I want to be, and I pray for her that the Lord will continue to use her!


Thank you Jesus for bringing people into my life who show me Your love. There are several whom you have recently used to bless me and shower me with Your kindness. I see You in their eyes and I am deeply humbled. I ask that you enrich them with more blessings so they in turn can continue to be used of You to bless others. I also ask that you let me see others as You do - and that I will be diligent to reach out and love them as You would have me. Let me have My Father's Eyes. Amen

Bee-Sting Honey

I wrote this poem for a guy that I was kinda going out with for a while a couple of years ago, and realized that even though I enjoyed his company, and he was a sweet guy, we were just not "meant to be" and so I had to move on...It was not meant to be mean or hateful...just funny... in fact when I showed it to him, he just laughed and thought it was a hilarious too... and by the way...we're still friends...   :-)

Bee Sting Honey

It tastes so good at first,

This Bee-Sting Honey
You don't even notice when it hurts
And when you do, it's almost funny. 

'Cause you can't stop reaching for

That sweetness deep inside.

So delicious and so tasty.
And the bees just seem to hide.

So you have to take a few steps back--

And think through the whole routine.

Is it really worth feeling all this pain?

Is the flavor really worth the sting?

Well sometimes it may be,

but most likely, no it’s not.

And it’s thinking through the pros and cons

Then looking at what you've got.

Do I really want to give this up right now?

‘Cause it’s such amazing fun

Can’t imagine finding anything else so good

But I may just have to run.

But man it tastes so good to me

I just want to have some more.

But I think that I'll just stop for now.

And go buy some at the store.

And yes I did just write this today (in fifteen minutes) ... 
And I really like honey... That's all I have to say...  :-)

Waiting

“Waiting” is my least favorite nemesis who shows no mercy to any of his victims.   He seems to be the chief instigator who derives pleasure from watching me  suffer.  I don't like him one bit and I can't wait for him to be gone.

Right now, my trial is coming to a close -- a definite conclusion within a matter of days – and there is absolutely no way in the world that I can predict the results of which way it will go.  In the past, I could sometimes tell how the story might end through various clues, the hints, and other revealing elements.  But this one is going to be a bit more difficult.

I know the Lord has been preparing me for this for quite some time.   I have complete confidence that His sovereignty reigns over everything including this situation which He has allowed to permeate my life.  I have never been one to wait patiently with my hands folded politely in my lap.  Not me.  Never will be.  But I have learned a few interesting things about this rabid arch-enemy of mine.  


When we are faced with a trial that requires extensive waiting, we do have a choice in how we react.  Many of us will go back and forth, up and down, in and out with our emotions in response to the waiting process.  I know there have been many times when I have relinquished my will to trust the Lord – and have given in to periods of discouragement and anxiety, as I have anticipated what the end will look like.  I can honestly say that this accomplishes absolutely nothing other than to create potential ulcers, short bitten fingernails and an upset stomach – you get the picture.  

It is clear that the Holy Spirit has sustained me throughout this past year with the most amazing calmness, peace and assurance, even though on some days, I have chosen not to appropriate that peace.  Because sometimes its just easier to worry and fret and agonize over the “what if’s"  or become anxious and then project into the future about “now what," then make a roundabout turn, look back into the past, and focus on the “if only's…” scenarios.   For me, it will be a matter of learning to live with what happens.  That will be the hard part.  I have an idea as to how it might look if it goes in one direction, but even if it goes the other way -- I am not particularly prepared for the emotional consequences of either situation.  I know either way, it will not be easy.  Not that I expect God to go easy on me.  I mean -- I have been one of His followers for over forty years, and I know He expects more from me than He would from one of His newer believers. Still, it does not make the anticipation any less stressful. 

I have not done as well as I thought I would with this particular trial, but I am constantly reminded that God is in control – and I am not – and that He can work in and around this chaotic mess and can actually make something beautiful out of it.  Even though I know that I am not responsible for what happens; that I did not cause this situation to happen; and that I could not have prevented it from happening -- It really is just a matter of stepping back and saying (over and over again if necessary), "Yes Lord, I know you will get me through this – I just have to let go and allow You to do Your job..."

Another response is to try and prematurely fix the problem on your own before its even ready.  Sort of like opening a cocoon and pulling out a butterfly before its wings are strong enough to support its ability to fly.  You might think you're hurrying things along and "helping,", but it was not designed to work like that.  Not a good thing.  Sometimes you just have no choice but to let it go and remember that “all things work together for good to those who love God and who are called according to His purposes.” Roman 8:28.

Waiting is never easy.  I think about all the times in my life when I've had to wait.  Waiting in a doctor's offices for that first shot, waiting for the summer to end and a new school year to begin, waiting to get your braces off and show off that sparking new smile, waiting for that special guy to call and ask you out on a date, waiting for that first kiss (sigh), waiting for the proposal and then planning the wedding, waiting to see if you can get pregnant and then nine months more for that little miracle to appear, waiting for that wee one to begin walking and then months later to become potty trained, waiting for your lights to come back on after a storm, waiting to find out if you got this awesome job you just interviewed for, watching and waiting as your parents' health deteriorates and knowing there's nothing you can do to prevent the inevitable -- the list goes on and on.... it cannot help but develop character in you and ultimately make you a much better, stronger person - IF you're just willing to WAIT and allow that to happen.  Ok Lord...I am willing.

Isaiah 40:31 - Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.

The Life and Seasons of a Vision-Caster

I was “vision-casted” upon for the first time when I was just 17 years old in Key West, Florida.  I was a senior in high school and a regular attender of a bible study on Tuesday nights which was taught by an older Navy chaplain friend of mine, Paul Riess.   For over a year we studied the book of Romans with a group of people of all ages and every demographic – where I was the youngest and the oldest was this amazing artist, Carolyn Fuller, who was in her late 60’s and an avowed agnostic.  I loved being with these fun and unusual people and was inspired to write even back then about my adventures and friendship with them.  

My friend Paul had become sort of a father figure to me and was a constant source of encouragement to me in my writing since I would often read my lastest poem or short story with him.  I remember a time after one of our reading sessions when he pulled me aside and said that he believed I had a great deal of depth and insight into human nature and that my discernment and perception of people was well beyond my young years.  I could not fully understand (or even believe) what he was talking about, and at the time I thought he was just saying that to be nice to me.  But, after a while, I started to believe him because much of what I had written about these people, some of my predictions, thoughts and perceptions (unbeknownst to me at the time) were actually true or eventually came to pass.  I was able to see "things" in people and understand them without having any real tangible reason to explain it.  I actually thought everyone could see what I saw, but later was surprised to learn that this was not the case.  It was a strange but unusual gift and one that I still use on occasion when the Lord presents me with an opportunity to encourage someone and as I allow myself to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and His leading. The point is that I would never have developed this gift had I not been encouraged to see it and to use it by this awesome man, my friend the vision-caster, Paul Riess.

Ultimately, I knew the Lord wanted me to be the Chief Vision-Caster when I became a mother.  He wanted me to build a vision for my children to help them know and understand what they were capable of and what could they could achieve in and throughout their lives. I did that especially when they were still young and I continued throughout their childhood and teen years.  I prayed for them that as they matured they would have a vision of how incredibly gifted they were and how much more it would expand if they lived a life that honored the Lord.  Now I know I have not always been consistent and sometimes I have failed in my job as a parent.  Thankfully the Lord forgives me (and hopefully they do!) as He still sees fit to use me in their lives.  They are (as am I)  a work in progress – and I have been so blessed when I know they see glimpses of the "big picture" of their future on the horizon.

Throughout the years, I was encouraged to see how the Lord would continue to develop this spiritual gift in me. I saw that He was also cultivating in me another variance of the gift -- one that involved prayer and comfort and empathizing with what someone was going through .  This was somewhat uncomfortable for me because I knew the Lord would sometimes want me to stop and pray with someone -- whether I knew them really well or not -- but especially when  I sensed a need in them, that they needed to be encouraged and lifted up.  I would have never thought to do that before with someone on the spot, in person, on the phone (or now sometimes by text).  It was not something that was initially easy for me, but I knew that if He brought someone along who needed that touch, that hug or prayer, then I needed to be willing to obey.  I knew the Lord wanted others see themselves as He saw them.  I was (and still am) constantly surprised that He has developed this heart in me -- to cast a vision onto the path of others so they can strive to become all the Lord wants them to be.

Unfortunately, over the past several years - due to some sad experiences and poor choices on my part, I found myself floating in limbo, sitting on a self-imposed back burner, resigned to live on the top shelf for the rest of my days, where I did not believe the Lord would ever use me again.  I pretty much gave up on the idea of helping others see what they were capable of becoming.  For most of those years, I became an emotional recluse living in bleak isolation, rarely reaching out and staying to myself.  Not a good thing and not a good place to be.  But I felt so inadequate and truly believed that I was permanently spiritually disabled.  Ultimately, as I came to understand His full forgiveness for me and His impeccable, incredible love for me, I was compelled to place my trust in Him again.  Then He would be sure to get the glory and I would always defer to Him as the being the source of this gift.  

 

It has only been in the past year or so that I have sensed the Lord leading me to help others again.  I want to become the vision-caster that Paul Riess was to me and to so many others.  But I had to be willing to dust myself off that top shelf, jump off in faith, and tread slowly forward in active obedience.   And the results have been awesome!  I never tire of watching someone “get it” because they were willing to step out and see what God has for them.  

I was recently inspired by an author, Bob Goff who wrote a book called "Love Does" where the author, who undoubtedly is a true vision-caster, challenges his readers to live a life of loving others, proactively, purposely, intentionally, definitely and actively!  I am still reading the book, and it is encouraging me to look at life differently and to see things outside the box, to be sensitive to listen to the Spirit's leading, and to allow myself to be used by the Lord -- AGAIN!  I can’t wait to see what the Lord has in store for me now, and I am not afraid anymore.  I do want to be a blessing to others and to continue in this vision-casting journey that He has brought my way. 

Thank you Jesus for your mercy and kindness and help me to be sensitive to the needs of others, to pray for them when they need a prayer, to hug them and weep with them when they're hurting and need a human touch, and to show them that you have never given up on them and that you have great plans for them (Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future).

Train Wreck

It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to experience... to watch it happen in slow motion -- this nefarious, horrible train wreck -- as it takes place right in front of me.  In dream-like fashion, I find myself running after the person, reaching out, stumbling,  screaming for them to stop!!!  They don't hear me; they don't want to listen, and they don't care.  Then the reality of it all settles in, and I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. That I cannot control or change the circumstances and that this person will have to live with the consequences despite repeated warnings from others, knowing that it makes no difference to them how many others are hurt in the process.  Even though I know in theory that I am not responsible, I know I will experience an excessive amount of guilt and shame, with dark voices screaming wildly at me "why didn't you do more? If you had only done this or if you had just tried to do that...."  The thing is I know I probably could have done more, but in my heart, I know it would not have been enough to make a difference.  I can already sense within myself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually - feelings of utter helplessness as I wait for this to happen.  There's no changing channels, switching gears, or turning it off.  It's just a matter of time.  The only consolation is that I know that the Lord is in control and that He is sovereign over all situations.  That He can take something broken and severely damaged and turn it into an unimaginable blessing that will bring honor and glory to His name.  It's just hard for me to separate my fragile emotions from my theoretical thought process   I know how I must think but I can't help how I feel.  I know I need to trust Him as I wait in limbo, believing that He will get me through it-- but it is so hard right now...waiting...watching as the minutes, seconds float by so slowly... I know in my head that He has never let me down even though I have disappointed him many times throughout my life. But His love for me is not conditionally based on what I have done or will do.  I just have to keep going back to the truth of the matter --  knowing He has my hand in all of this, that He is holding on tightly, and will never let me go...and most importantly, I just hope and pray that this person will be able to salvage something from this senseless wreckage, and that they will ultimately find the Lord and that their relationship with Him will be restored.

Accepting the Blessings of God

I have a problem.  With a spirit of resignation and compliance, I will accept it when the Lord allows hard things to enter my life.  I do not like living through those moments, especially when it feels like a bottomless pit that will never end.   Even though I don't always understand the “big picture” of the why’s and what for’s of the trials in our lives,  I know His ultimate goal is to transform me into a woman of God who reflects His glory and grace.  I know that some of those difficult times are as a result of unwise choices.  I cannot complain (though I will….) because I feel like I deserve it as I chastise myself over and over with unrelenting self-deprecation.

The problem is when my Heavenly Father wants to bless me.  I have such a hard time accepting those gifts.  There's an overwhelming sense of unworthiness, that I am undeserving (and I am) of anything good He wants to bring into my life.  I have never had a sense of entitlement like I have seen in some people – that God owes me anything -- and I have always been grateful for any crumbs of mercy that fall into my lap from His table of grace.  Those blessings create such magnificent awe and incredible wonder as I reflect on how much He loves me and wants to give good gifts to me as His precious daughter.  He does see me as precious, and He loves me more than any human on this earth ever could.  And its during those moments that I can only bow in silence as my fragile spirit yields innumerable tears of joy and unspeakable happiness. 

It’s a very complicated process because I love to be on the giving side – to be a blessing to others when I can – and I am so pleased when the Lord sees fit to use me in that way.  But to be on the receiving side of His blessings – to allow myself to accept His gifts graciously and with joy – that is an ongoing process which He is continually stirring about in my heart.  I am always careful to give Him the glory and praise for anything good He chooses to give to me, but I know I need to learn how to accept those gifts with a spirit of graciousness and humility.  I haven’t quite figured out how to do that, but I know He will lovingly and patiently teach me as He showers me with His love.  

Thank you dear Father for loving me as you do
 and for all the sweet blessings you bring into my 
life, and may I always be prompt to respond with
gratitude and joy.  In your sweet name I pray, Amen.