Train Wreck

It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to experience... to watch it happen in slow motion -- this nefarious, horrible train wreck -- as it takes place right in front of me.  In dream-like fashion, I find myself running after the person, reaching out, stumbling,  screaming for them to stop!!!  They don't hear me; they don't want to listen, and they don't care.  Then the reality of it all settles in, and I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. That I cannot control or change the circumstances and that this person will have to live with the consequences despite repeated warnings from others, knowing that it makes no difference to them how many others are hurt in the process.  Even though I know in theory that I am not responsible, I know I will experience an excessive amount of guilt and shame, with dark voices screaming wildly at me "why didn't you do more? If you had only done this or if you had just tried to do that...."  The thing is I know I probably could have done more, but in my heart, I know it would not have been enough to make a difference.  I can already sense within myself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually - feelings of utter helplessness as I wait for this to happen.  There's no changing channels, switching gears, or turning it off.  It's just a matter of time.  The only consolation is that I know that the Lord is in control and that He is sovereign over all situations.  That He can take something broken and severely damaged and turn it into an unimaginable blessing that will bring honor and glory to His name.  It's just hard for me to separate my fragile emotions from my theoretical thought process   I know how I must think but I can't help how I feel.  I know I need to trust Him as I wait in limbo, believing that He will get me through it-- but it is so hard right now...waiting...watching as the minutes, seconds float by so slowly... I know in my head that He has never let me down even though I have disappointed him many times throughout my life. But His love for me is not conditionally based on what I have done or will do.  I just have to keep going back to the truth of the matter --  knowing He has my hand in all of this, that He is holding on tightly, and will never let me go...and most importantly, I just hope and pray that this person will be able to salvage something from this senseless wreckage, and that they will ultimately find the Lord and that their relationship with Him will be restored.