Everyone in
this world has anger issues – some more than others and unfortunately, most of
them are unresolved for some people. It
is so evident, wherever you are, whatever you are doing – that you will often
see somebody displaying their anger from the expression on their face towards
someone else and their negative rude comments towards that individual. There are many interesting things about
“anger.” First of all – it is a typical
emotion that is very common among every living creative, both animals and
humans. We all have reasons to be upset, angry, or
mad. It’s just what we do with those
emotions that will make the difference in our lives and in the lives of those
around us.
It is very
essential for the parent to lovingly and graciously explain to the child why
they need to do this or that and to kindly let them know that there will be some
consequences if the child chooses not to obey his or her parent. It is not a matter of “do what I say NOW! Or else!!!!” – that is only going to cause a
retaliation of anger on the side of the child which will just go back and forth
between the two of them in an unresolved, unhealthy manner.
Another
interesting fact about anger is that sometimes we are truly justified in being
upset about whatever it is that is going on around us or what is happening to
us. For example, it is so common for
people on both sides of the political fences to be very upset today about all
these negative news reports shown on TV or the internet, especially when there
is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop these things from getting
worse. It can also trigger a lot of
anger and fear in people to see all these reports about crime and terrorism
going on in our country and overseas. We
do have a right to be upset about what’s happening in this world, but
unfortunately, there is not much we can do about it except to pray and trust
the Lord to get us through these difficult days and to avoid over-reacting in a
negative way. Being angry about these
things does not help resolve any of these situations in life, especially when
most of what we see or hear on TV is BAD news and not GOOD news.
Now when
someone is abusive or mean-spirited towards us, that can also trigger anger
within our hearts in how we respond to that behavior, especially if we did
nothing wrong to that person to deserve their abuse. Some people do interact with that person with
their own rage and ultimately pay the consequences by experiencing more
physical and emotional damage. Others
may just turn and walk away without saying a word, but their anger is still
buried deep within their heart. So how
do we handle these emotions in a healthy, responsible way?
I know when
I was a young teenager, I had a very abusive step-father who did physically
abuse me so many times, and I tried not respond in anger verbally or in any
other way because I was afraid of getting hurt even worse – so I would just usually
say, “yes sir” and walk away. But deep
inside I was extremely furious about how he treated me, and I knew there was
nothing I could do about it at that point.
I could not wait until I was able to move out of the house, which I did
the day after I graduated from high school – because he kicked me out – but
thankfully I had a friend whose family allowed me to live with them for a
while.
The problem
with handling this type of anger in that “walk away” mode is that it triggered
what I call a “justice kick” where I would allow myself to get upset at other
people around me who were mistreating or abusing a friend, a co-worker or a
family member. I felt like it was my
responsibility to reach out and protect them from the hurt they were
experiencing. I was a “fixer-upper” type
person who was constantly trying to help others, but unfortunately, not in the
best format. I would yell and scream at
them and tell them to leave that person alone or else they would be in
trouble.
Now I may have been right in that
I was upset because a friend of mine was being mistreated or hurt, but the way
I handled it was NOT in a mature, healthy way.
It would typically cause a retaliation response between me and that
person and nothing was ever really resolved in a good way. So how should I have dealt with this? What should I have said to that person? First of all, I should have toned down my
voice and not have allowed my attitude to become persnickety towards them. I should have said in a gracious but firm
manner that it was not good for them to treat that person next to me so badly or
perhaps kindly explain to them that they should not verbally mistreat that
friend of mine. Now if that person
continued to get mad at my friend and towards me, and if they did not respond
in a mature manner – then it would NOT have been my job to react to them in an
angry way, nor should I have just walked away with a grumpy look on my face as
I glared back at them. I should have
allowed myself to be sad and not mad. I
should have just walked away with my friend who was being hurt and prayed over
them, and encourage them to stay away from that person.
Unfortunately, I did not react that way and it
was often a back and forth verbally abusive interaction between me and that
mean person since I felt “justified” that I was doing the right thing in
defending my friend in that way, but it only triggered more and
more anger deep within me towards that other person. I did not ever understand at that time in my
life about how wrong it was for me to be the way I was.
It reminds
me of this movie I recently saw (just a short part of, not the whole movie) on
TV at home called “Erin Brockovich” starring Julia Roberts, which is based on a
true story about a lady who worked for an attorney. She had some really serious anger issues
towards everyone around her and always over-reacted to everyone when she was
upset. She would constantly yell at
people and cuss them out because of what they said or did, and the interesting
thing is that she was often right about the reasons why she was upset with
these people – but, unfortunately, she went about expressing herself in a
really horrible, unhealthy way. She definitely had a lot of unresolved baggage
issues throughout her life which triggered these terrible anger fits that she
displayed throughout the movie. Some of
these scenes made me realize how I would have been had I not worked through my
anger issues many years ago. I would
have probably continued to over-react a lot like she did. The Lord helped me to see the perspective
that even though she was right about some of the things she was concerned about
or angry towards, she could have expressed herself in a more mature, gracious way,
but she obviously never seemed to even be aware of these problems that she was
continuing to nurture and build up within herself. I felt the Lord speak to my heart, “See
that…if you had not gone through that therapy and counseling to deal with your
forgiveness of your dad, you would have been just like that woman!!” I totally
agree with Him and I’m so glad He helped me to see that!
I am so grateful that when I did go to therapy with a counselor in my early 20’s, this person helped me
see that a lot of these “justice kick” anger issues were because of the abusive
behavior I endured as a child and teenager from my step-father. I had to learn more about what anger was and
how to deal with forgiveness towards someone who had hurt or abused me. I learned that forgiveness was for my benefit
and that it would ultimately help me heal from all the hurt I had experienced
as a child. It would also help me to move
forward in a better, healthier way in my life, especially in how I interacted
with people around me. I also learned
that it did not mean I had to expect that person to ask for forgiveness from
me, nor did I have to let them know that I forgave them. It was all on my end. I had to see and understand that the Lord had
forgiven me and then I had to turn around and be willing to forgive those who
hurt me. I also learned that the sooner
I would work through those problems that eventually I would also learn how
to reach out and help others in a healthy way without it triggering all those
horrible anger issues I had been dealing with.
It was amazing how over the years I became transformed in my
understanding and my actions in that I did not continue to over-react towards
people like that anymore.
There are a
lot of verses throughout the Bible that refer to anger and how it can so
adversely affect our lives. Proverbs
29:11 states, “A fool gives full vent to
his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” Proverbs 15:18 talks about “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the
one who is patient calms a quarrel.” We
should be more like this as Proverbs 16:24 states: “Kind words are like honey,
sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” and Proverbs 15:1 – “A
soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Another thing about unresolved anger issues
is that if people do not work on these things in their own individual lives,
then every relationship they are in, whether it be with friends, family
members, co-workers, the person they are dating or their spouse, will become
severely damaged or ultimately destroyed.
It does not matter whether you are younger, older, male, female, married
or single – all these unresolved anger problems will continue to mess up the
connective relationship you have with others in your life. It is essential that each person is willing
to work on their own problems, to see this perspective and to ultimately trust
that the Lord will help heal these things.
Even if you have personally dealt with your own anger issues, you may be
in a relationship with or married to someone who has NOT dealt with their anger
problems or they may not even be aware that this is even going on inside their
heart.
So how does one handle that situation? It is so important to deal with conflict in a
better way. First, you must be willing to
pray for that person who may still be going through a hard time dealing with
these things and also be willing to forgive them if they continue to be angry
and argue with you so often. Sometimes
that person may be struggling with something else that has made them mad. They may have had a bad situation at work or
they may have experienced some physical health issues which upset them, and you
may have no knowledge at all about any of this.
Then they will often over react to you in a negative way when you
communicate with them about other things.
You can take it personally and wonder what you did to make them mad at
you. It can also trigger your own past
anger issues, even though you may have already dealt with them, but it’s how we
handle it from this point on that will make a difference in that
relationship. Now you can choose to
respond to them in a negative way. You can be reactive rather than proactive
which shows you’re functioning out of your flesh rather than your spirit. You don’t want to just walk away and ignore
that person while you are experiencing the hurt and pain they have brought upon
you. Sometimes that kind of reaction to
will continue to build up over a period of time within your heart and soul, and
eventually, you may just blurt out a lot of terrible comments to that person in
a mean-spirited violent way. It is
typically normal to feel sad and hurt and even sometimes mad that this person
has mistreated you like that, but if you really care about them and your
relationship and you know that they really care about you, then you should both
be willing to graciously discuss these problems with each other and not in a
bad way.
Now if that person truly loves
you and loves the Lord, then most likely, they will see how they have
mistreated you, and they will ask for your forgiveness for being that way, and
of course, you should forgive them and discuss these things in a loving manner
in order to resolve these conflicts.
Ultimately, if you deal with these problems like this, you will have a much
healthier relationship with that person, and you will both be able to see the
difference.
Perhaps you should encourage that person
to see a counselor to help them work through some of the things they are going
through, or maybe you both could see that same counselor to help you deal with how
these negative things affect your relationship.
It’s just very important that you do not continue to go back and forth
and retaliate against each other in response to these arguments you keep having
as we need to be aware of how damaging these issues can be in all of our
relationships.
It is so very important to realize that once
both individuals have worked through these issues and understand more about and
accept the Lord’s forgiveness, then their relationship with each other will
become strengthened and honoring to the Lord in every way, especially as they
both can reflect His love, His grace and His glory in how they respond to each
other in loving, gracious ways.
Ephesians 4:26-27 states, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun
go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”
Over the years I have heard from several of my married friends that they made a promise with each other that they would "not let the sun go down on their anger" especially if they were having some arguments or conflicts with their spouse, and they were willing to work on those things before they went to sleep at night. That's so encouraging!
It is
absolutely essential to keep in mind that it is NEVER too late to work on these
problems and that the Lord can bring about healing in your life. Also remember that there will continue to be
serious consequences to your relationships if you are NOT willing to deal with
these things. But thankfully, the
results of the resolution of these problems will reflect some amazing miracles
that will always honor the Lord Jesus Christ!
Amen!
