Death of a Vision

I remember when I first read the story in Genesis 22 of Abraham when he was on the way up the mountain with his son, Isaac -- to sacrifice him.  I did not fully understand the implications initially, and when I did, I was horrified.  Literally, Abraham embarked on what was probably the most difficult journey of his life.  It seemed to be such an impossible situation: first that God would even ask Abraham to do this, and secondly, that Abraham would be willing to go that far to obey.  In the passage, there is no indication that he even questioned God or perhaps suggested a different kind of test. As a parent, it is something I just cannot fathom.

Earlier in Genesis 15 just before God entered into a Covenant with Abraham, He promised Abraham that his descendants would out number the stars in the sky.  That was a major large scale commitment.  And then a few chapters later, Abraham is asked to sacrifice the source, the origin of those future descendants - his son Isaac. I don't fully understand why God thought it necessary to test Abraham's faith like that, and I have to confess, I would not be willing to do that had I lived back then.  Maybe it's because I'm a mom (you notice you don't see Isaac's mom mentioned in this story). One can only imagine what thoughts were running through his head.   Interestingly, hundreds of years later, we read "the rest of the story" in Hebrews 11:19, where we see what Abraham must have been thinking when he made this painful journey,  "He considered that God was able even to raise him from the dead, from which, figuratively speaking, he did receive him back." 

The key is that Abraham  had to be willing to put to death the vision he was first given by God at the beginning of that momentuous Covenant with him years earlier.  He had to believe in his heart that God was supremely sovereign in His life and if he were willing to obey, God would bring his son back to life. 

Several times in my life I have had occasions where I was faced with the choice of putting to death my vision of what I thought I wanted or needed at that time.  It was never easy for me - to be willing to give up what was on my heart, whether it was something for one of my children, a particular job I desired, a relationship I wanted to keep, etc.  Each time I was faced with the prospect of insisting to God that I just had to have this -- but, ultimately I had to be willing to give it up to Him, to put to death that vision.  Sometimes, He would allow it to die a slow but merciful death and then offer me another vision, and a new, better door would open for me.  It took a while for me to come to the point of being able to say with a sigh of relief, "thank you Lord, that you knew what was best for me.  Thank you for protecting me from walking down the wrong path, or making the wrong decision or wanting the wrong thing (or person) for my life."  There have been other times when, after putting that vision to death, He would bring it back to life - because it was what He wanted all along for me.  Either way, I had to be willing to give my heart back to Him, to show Him my desire, my passion was for His perfect will in my life and not my own.

Undoubtedly, it was during the transition of those moments that was the most difficult - the waiting it out, the healing of the broken heart.  It can be a time sensitive thing, and it is never easy.  But the Lord has shown me that He cares so much for me throughout my journey with Him.  As He wraps His loving arms around me, He prepares me for a different path to travel, an alternate route to take, and I am in awe of the quiet peace that He has placed in my heart. 

My Sweet Baby's Breath

While decluttering and cleaning my room, I found this poem.  It was written about both of my boys in 1998.  Tim was around three and Thomas was almost a year old.  I have to admit it turned out pretty good and I don't mean that in an arrogant sense. 


Sometimes when I find things I've written from a long time ago,  I think.." Wow, did I actually write that?" I do remember writing it, but sometimes it doesn't feel like I did.  That's the cool thing about God-inspired writing -- i usually can't just sit down and write whenever i want to.  That is why i can say it's good - because He gave me the words...thank you Jesus.

My sweet baby's breath

so soft, so still and quiet on my neck.

His cradled form, nestled warmly,

so perfectly in my arms.

How pure, how sublime

this package of infant mortality

entrusted to my care for a time.

How vulnerable, how chaste

this slumbering bundle of peace

this awesome wonder before me.

I sit back in quiet reflection

from the beginning of his journey of

growth inside of me.

to the moment of his fearless entrance

to the waiting, watching world.

His reliance on me to sustain him

with my life-giving substance

to his emerging independence

those first exploring steps, 

facing the imminent conflict

between his need to be free

and my need to protect and nurture.

Finding the wisdom to known when to let go

as he gets up again and again

only to begin the process once more.

The falling, the tears, the comfort, the fears,

the loving arms that tenderly embrace him.

the slumber, the rest, and finally

his sweet breath, so soft, so still on my neck.

by Patti Stephen    9-27-98

No Good Thing Does He Withhold....

I have been going through a lot of difficult things the past few months.  For the most part, I can make it through each day, ready for the next day to 'bring it on."  Then, there are other times when I get so overwhelmed and discouraged and I feel so sad and alone, and I just don't know what to do.  

I have been a follower of Jesus for over forty years, and I understand and believe the basic truth that "all things work together for good to those who love God and who are called according to His purpose." (Rom. 8:28).  I usually have this in the forefront of my heart and mind, but sometimes during those precarious moments, my thoughts run rampant with a flood of emotions, and I just want to go to sleep and dream it all away. Unfortunately, that rarely accomplishes anything.  Even though it is so stressful, I am compelled to reach out to my Lord, to lean into Him for his love and support.  I remember that He is in control; that He is sovereign and that He has my best interest in mind.  I have to be willing to wait for His timing and not push for my agenda, and say, "not my will, but thine."  But even after forty years, it is not always easy to trust Him because I am  human and can be easily influenced by my emotions.  It is during those moments when I look back in the past and see how He has provided for me and remember that He does love me very much and always will take care of me and my family.  He has never let me down before, and I do not believe He will start now.


Right now I need to move from my house where I have lived for over twelve years.  It's a complicated situation, but this is one of the most intensely difficult decisions I have had to make, and it is an absolutely mind boggling process when I think about all that is involved: finding a suitable place to live for a reasonable price, packing up, decluttering and then moving across town.  It sounds simple on paper, but it's the unknown waiting part that causes me to become numb and filled with panic, worried about what is ahead of me.  It's that awful WAITING -- because I do not know WHEN the Lord will reveal His purpose for me, but I know it will happen -- in His time.  

I was reading my Bible today and was encouraged by the verses in Psalm 84, especially, verses 3, 5 and 11:

1. How lovely is your dwelling place,
    O LORD of hosts!
2. My soul longs, yes, faints
    for the courts of the LORD;
    my heart and flesh sing for joy
    to the living God.
3.  Even the sparrow finds a home,
   and the swallow a nest for herself,     
   where she may lay her young,
   at your altars, O LORD of hosts,
   my King and my God.
4. Blessed are those who dwell in your house,
    ever singing your praise! Selah
5.  Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
     in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
6.  As they go through the Valley of Baca
     they make it a place of springs;
     the early rain also covers it with pools.
7.   They go from strength to strength;
       each one appears before God in Zion.
8.  O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer;
     give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah
9.  Behold our shield, O God;
     look on the face of your anointed!
10.   For a day in your courts is better
        than a thousand elsewhere.
        I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
        than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
11.  For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
       the LORD bestows favor and honor.
       No good thing does he withhold
       from those who walk uprightly with Him.
12.  O LORD of hosts,blessed is the one who trusts in you!


If He so lovingly provides for the needs of a mother sparrow and her young baby birds...then most certainly He will meet the needs of me and my children.  It's just hard to wait for His timing. Verse 5 says, "blessed are those whose strength is in You."  That brings comfort to me because it confirms what verse 11 says, "no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly with Him."  It is a gentle reminder of what He expects from me.  And since I have the Holy Spirit residing within me, and because my strength is in Him, I know I have the ability to walk uprightly with Him every day, even though I have these emotional set backs from time to time.


Thank you heavenly Father for loving me enough to provide for my needs in your way and in your timing.  Help me to trust you and believe you.  I love you so much dear Lord and I am so glad that you love me back even more!!  Amen

Tender Mercies and Forgiveness

I think of how often I have impulsively said something which I've later lived to regret.  This is one of the short-comings of being a "high functioning" ADD person. I don't mind apologizing to whomever it is I may have offended or hurt - but it's much better to not to have to done it in the first place!  One of the ways I have done this is how I react to my kids when they try and wear me down.  They know how what buttons to push and how to provoke me to anger, and unfortunately,  sometimes I resort to their level with my responses -- and that's not a good thing.  But it is something I am proactively working on.

I can relate to Simon Peter, one of Jesus' disciples.  He was chosen by the Lord not because of any past achievements or because he was really good at any particular skill.  Jesus saw Peter's flaws from the very beginning of their relationship.  He knew how impulsive Peter was; how impetuous and irrational he could be at times.  Jesus warned him about it on many occasions and ultimately, it was Peter's impulsive behavior that led him to betray Jesus.  He also saw incredible potential in Peter and what could happen if he were willing to submit himself to the Lord.  That's one of the really cool things about Jesus.  He sees our flaws; he sees our potential, and he is able to blend the two together to turn us into someone who can bring honor and glory to His name.

It is interesting to read all of the gospels' accounts of Jesus' betrayal and death because you can piece together the "whole story" and see it in context.   In Matthew 26:35, just prior to Jesus' arrest and subsequent crucifixion, there is the incident with Peter and his "foot-shaped-mouth" where he dramatically says to Jesus, “Even if I must die with you, I will not deny you.”  The statement was made just after Jesus predicted that Peter would deny Him three times. And we know what happened.  Peter did just that.  And the third time, in Luke 22:60-62, where immediately after that fateful moment, “the Lord turned and looked at Peter.  And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said….you will deny me three times…and he went out and wept bitterly.” I'm sure Peter experienced tremendous devastation and sadness at his foolish mistake, and he knew he could never take it back.  He would have to live with the consequences of his unfortunate actions, and he would never forget looking into the eyes of Jesus as he swore and uttered those last words, "I don't know him."  He probably felt God would never forgive him for what he did, and he would not forgive himself either.  In the "rest of the story," Mark 16:7 tells of these angels who are speaking to the women who came to the tomb to check on Jesus' body.  They told them that Jesus was not there and to “go tell the disciples and Peter…that He is not here, He is risen."  Jesus wanted to make sure that Peter knew He was forgiven; that he had been redeemed and that He still had plans for him.  Can you imagine Peter's face when he heard that message which was directed to him?  The mixed emotions he must have felt.  Undoubtedly, he had a hard time believing it, but ultimately, he accepted God's forgiveness for his failures and mistakes.

The sequel to the above story is continued in the gospel of John, in chapter 21:15-17, where Jesus is with the disciples on the beach, fishing with them.  This was after His resurrection and just prior to his ascension back to heaven.  He has a private discussion with Peter where he essentially reinstates him to the position which He had designed for him from the beginning. He wants Peter to feed His sheep, to build into His disciples, training them to become true fishers of men for His kingdom.

15. When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”  16. Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”  17. The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”  Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.

When I studied this passage many years ago, I learned that when Jesus asked Peter the first two times if he loved him, the word he used for "love" was agapeo or agape, which is a sacrificial love, the kind Jesus showed when He died on the cross for us.   Each time Peter responded with, "yes Lord, you know I love you," but he used the word "phileo" which is more of a "brotherly/friendship" type of love.  Peter was not ready to impetuously commit to saying he loved Jesus with the "agape" kind of love because of what had happened earlier.  The last time when Jesus asked Peter if he loved him, He used the word "phileo." Jesus knew Peter was not ready to commit to serving him at the highest level, at least not at that moment.  He knew Peter's heart and how raw and fragile he still was.  So Jesus met Peter where he was at.  In verse 17, it says, "Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time."  Peter did respond to him, that he did love him, but it was still in the "phileo" state of mind.  He was not going to impulsively commit to something he was not sure he could follow through with.   When Jesus asked him three times, it brought horrible memories of what he had earlier done to betray his precious savior.

The Lord showed such tender mercy towards Peter.  He showed love and forgiveness and helped him to see that He was not through with Peter - no matter what He had done.  Peter was no doubt repentant and sorry for his mistakes.  He now lacked any confidence to move forward. He did not believe he could do anything for the Lord ever again.  He put himself on that self-imposed upper shelf and felt completely useless.  Ultimately, Peter's self confidence was soon replaced with the Lord's confidence and the Spirit of God would inhabit him greatly for the rest of his life.  Peter was now very willing to wait and listen for the Lord's leading and did not want to do anything to hinder his relationship with the Lord.

I can so relate to this spiritual brother of mine.  I'm just coming off my self-imposed shelf, although I do jump back up there sometimes when I feel sad and inadequate.   What an amazing example of love and forgiveness. 

Thank you Lord Jesus for your tender mercy and kindness you show to us everyday!.  

My Father's Eyes

I remember back in the 70's when Christian recording artist, Amy Grant, was in her prime. One of my favorite songs of her was My Father's Eyes (click to see the YouTube video). The lyrics are below:

I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl, And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world. But that's all right, as long as I can have one wish I pray: When people look inside my life, I want to hear them say, (Chorus) She's got her father's eyes, Her father's eyes; Eyes that find the good in things, When good is not around; eyes that find the source of help, When help just can't be found; Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain;Knowing what you're going through and feeling it the same. Just like my father's eyes, my father's eyes, my father's eyes, Just like my father's eyes.


The chorus sums up the story. My favorite line is: “Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain; knowing what you're going through and feeling it the same.” The question of the day is: Do I really want to have my Father’s eyes? Am I prepared to follow through with what I know He wants me to do if I take His eyes on as my own? I'm firmly convinced that the more we cultivate our relationship with the Lord, a deeper degree of spiritual tenderness and sensitivity will develop in our life. We will see people and life situations more clearly through the eyes of our Father and His Son through the help of the Holy Spirit.


But there is a cost involved.  If we are really honest with ourselves, we know it's almost easier to ignore the needs and pain of others partly because of what is involved in reaching out -- using up so much of our physical, emotional and sometimes financial resources. But when you are intentional and purposeful in your desire and efforts to reach out to someone in need, you end up showing them who Jesus is by your actions.  Sometimes we are the only Jesus these people will ever see! 


Matthew 25:34-36 tells a story of a King who shares the following: "When the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."


His followers questioned him by saying, in verses 38-39, "When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?"  The King replies in verse 40, by saying, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."  Whenever we reach out to others in Jesus' name and for His sake, we are doing it for Him, and the person you are helping is blessed in the process!


I think of a sweet woman from my church who has those kind of eyes. She sees a need and reaches out, in prayer, through a touch or hug or just by her actions. She has prayed for me in church during a worship service.  She's hugged me when she has seen me in need or in tears when I've been struggling over something. She is being Jesus to me at that moment. She recently saw my Facebook post of mine where my electricity had been out for a while after a storm.  She posted a note on my page and offered to let me and my family use her hot shower and serve us a nice breakfast. What an incredible woman!! This past Sunday, she saw a new family visiting the church with a very young child.  She brought over some crayons and a coloring book and handed it to the parents so the little boy could have something to keep him busy during the service. She is a great example to me of how I want to be, and I pray for her that the Lord will continue to use her!


Thank you Jesus for bringing people into my life who show me Your love. There are several whom you have recently used to bless me and shower me with Your kindness. I see You in their eyes and I am deeply humbled. I ask that you enrich them with more blessings so they in turn can continue to be used of You to bless others. I also ask that you let me see others as You do - and that I will be diligent to reach out and love them as You would have me. Let me have My Father's Eyes. Amen

Bee-Sting Honey

I wrote this poem for a guy that I was kinda going out with for a while a couple of years ago, and realized that even though I enjoyed his company, and he was a sweet guy, we were just not "meant to be" and so I had to move on...It was not meant to be mean or hateful...just funny... in fact when I showed it to him, he just laughed and thought it was a hilarious too... and by the way...we're still friends...   :-)

Bee Sting Honey

It tastes so good at first,

This Bee-Sting Honey
You don't even notice when it hurts
And when you do, it's almost funny. 

'Cause you can't stop reaching for

That sweetness deep inside.

So delicious and so tasty.
And the bees just seem to hide.

So you have to take a few steps back--

And think through the whole routine.

Is it really worth feeling all this pain?

Is the flavor really worth the sting?

Well sometimes it may be,

but most likely, no it’s not.

And it’s thinking through the pros and cons

Then looking at what you've got.

Do I really want to give this up right now?

‘Cause it’s such amazing fun

Can’t imagine finding anything else so good

But I may just have to run.

But man it tastes so good to me

I just want to have some more.

But I think that I'll just stop for now.

And go buy some at the store.

And yes I did just write this today (in fifteen minutes) ... 
And I really like honey... That's all I have to say...  :-)

Waiting

“Waiting” is my least favorite nemesis who shows no mercy to any of his victims.   He seems to be the chief instigator who derives pleasure from watching me  suffer.  I don't like him one bit and I can't wait for him to be gone.

Right now, my trial is coming to a close -- a definite conclusion within a matter of days – and there is absolutely no way in the world that I can predict the results of which way it will go.  In the past, I could sometimes tell how the story might end through various clues, the hints, and other revealing elements.  But this one is going to be a bit more difficult.

I know the Lord has been preparing me for this for quite some time.   I have complete confidence that His sovereignty reigns over everything including this situation which He has allowed to permeate my life.  I have never been one to wait patiently with my hands folded politely in my lap.  Not me.  Never will be.  But I have learned a few interesting things about this rabid arch-enemy of mine.  


When we are faced with a trial that requires extensive waiting, we do have a choice in how we react.  Many of us will go back and forth, up and down, in and out with our emotions in response to the waiting process.  I know there have been many times when I have relinquished my will to trust the Lord – and have given in to periods of discouragement and anxiety, as I have anticipated what the end will look like.  I can honestly say that this accomplishes absolutely nothing other than to create potential ulcers, short bitten fingernails and an upset stomach – you get the picture.  

It is clear that the Holy Spirit has sustained me throughout this past year with the most amazing calmness, peace and assurance, even though on some days, I have chosen not to appropriate that peace.  Because sometimes its just easier to worry and fret and agonize over the “what if’s"  or become anxious and then project into the future about “now what," then make a roundabout turn, look back into the past, and focus on the “if only's…” scenarios.   For me, it will be a matter of learning to live with what happens.  That will be the hard part.  I have an idea as to how it might look if it goes in one direction, but even if it goes the other way -- I am not particularly prepared for the emotional consequences of either situation.  I know either way, it will not be easy.  Not that I expect God to go easy on me.  I mean -- I have been one of His followers for over forty years, and I know He expects more from me than He would from one of His newer believers. Still, it does not make the anticipation any less stressful. 

I have not done as well as I thought I would with this particular trial, but I am constantly reminded that God is in control – and I am not – and that He can work in and around this chaotic mess and can actually make something beautiful out of it.  Even though I know that I am not responsible for what happens; that I did not cause this situation to happen; and that I could not have prevented it from happening -- It really is just a matter of stepping back and saying (over and over again if necessary), "Yes Lord, I know you will get me through this – I just have to let go and allow You to do Your job..."

Another response is to try and prematurely fix the problem on your own before its even ready.  Sort of like opening a cocoon and pulling out a butterfly before its wings are strong enough to support its ability to fly.  You might think you're hurrying things along and "helping,", but it was not designed to work like that.  Not a good thing.  Sometimes you just have no choice but to let it go and remember that “all things work together for good to those who love God and who are called according to His purposes.” Roman 8:28.

Waiting is never easy.  I think about all the times in my life when I've had to wait.  Waiting in a doctor's offices for that first shot, waiting for the summer to end and a new school year to begin, waiting to get your braces off and show off that sparking new smile, waiting for that special guy to call and ask you out on a date, waiting for that first kiss (sigh), waiting for the proposal and then planning the wedding, waiting to see if you can get pregnant and then nine months more for that little miracle to appear, waiting for that wee one to begin walking and then months later to become potty trained, waiting for your lights to come back on after a storm, waiting to find out if you got this awesome job you just interviewed for, watching and waiting as your parents' health deteriorates and knowing there's nothing you can do to prevent the inevitable -- the list goes on and on.... it cannot help but develop character in you and ultimately make you a much better, stronger person - IF you're just willing to WAIT and allow that to happen.  Ok Lord...I am willing.

Isaiah 40:31 - Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.

The Life and Seasons of a Vision-Caster

I was “vision-casted” upon for the first time when I was just 17 years old in Key West, Florida.  I was a senior in high school and a regular attender of a bible study on Tuesday nights which was taught by an older Navy chaplain friend of mine, Paul Riess.   For over a year we studied the book of Romans with a group of people of all ages and every demographic – where I was the youngest and the oldest was this amazing artist, Carolyn Fuller, who was in her late 60’s and an avowed agnostic.  I loved being with these fun and unusual people and was inspired to write even back then about my adventures and friendship with them.  

My friend Paul had become sort of a father figure to me and was a constant source of encouragement to me in my writing since I would often read my lastest poem or short story with him.  I remember a time after one of our reading sessions when he pulled me aside and said that he believed I had a great deal of depth and insight into human nature and that my discernment and perception of people was well beyond my young years.  I could not fully understand (or even believe) what he was talking about, and at the time I thought he was just saying that to be nice to me.  But, after a while, I started to believe him because much of what I had written about these people, some of my predictions, thoughts and perceptions (unbeknownst to me at the time) were actually true or eventually came to pass.  I was able to see "things" in people and understand them without having any real tangible reason to explain it.  I actually thought everyone could see what I saw, but later was surprised to learn that this was not the case.  It was a strange but unusual gift and one that I still use on occasion when the Lord presents me with an opportunity to encourage someone and as I allow myself to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and His leading. The point is that I would never have developed this gift had I not been encouraged to see it and to use it by this awesome man, my friend the vision-caster, Paul Riess.

Ultimately, I knew the Lord wanted me to be the Chief Vision-Caster when I became a mother.  He wanted me to build a vision for my children to help them know and understand what they were capable of and what could they could achieve in and throughout their lives. I did that especially when they were still young and I continued throughout their childhood and teen years.  I prayed for them that as they matured they would have a vision of how incredibly gifted they were and how much more it would expand if they lived a life that honored the Lord.  Now I know I have not always been consistent and sometimes I have failed in my job as a parent.  Thankfully the Lord forgives me (and hopefully they do!) as He still sees fit to use me in their lives.  They are (as am I)  a work in progress – and I have been so blessed when I know they see glimpses of the "big picture" of their future on the horizon.

Throughout the years, I was encouraged to see how the Lord would continue to develop this spiritual gift in me. I saw that He was also cultivating in me another variance of the gift -- one that involved prayer and comfort and empathizing with what someone was going through .  This was somewhat uncomfortable for me because I knew the Lord would sometimes want me to stop and pray with someone -- whether I knew them really well or not -- but especially when  I sensed a need in them, that they needed to be encouraged and lifted up.  I would have never thought to do that before with someone on the spot, in person, on the phone (or now sometimes by text).  It was not something that was initially easy for me, but I knew that if He brought someone along who needed that touch, that hug or prayer, then I needed to be willing to obey.  I knew the Lord wanted others see themselves as He saw them.  I was (and still am) constantly surprised that He has developed this heart in me -- to cast a vision onto the path of others so they can strive to become all the Lord wants them to be.

Unfortunately, over the past several years - due to some sad experiences and poor choices on my part, I found myself floating in limbo, sitting on a self-imposed back burner, resigned to live on the top shelf for the rest of my days, where I did not believe the Lord would ever use me again.  I pretty much gave up on the idea of helping others see what they were capable of becoming.  For most of those years, I became an emotional recluse living in bleak isolation, rarely reaching out and staying to myself.  Not a good thing and not a good place to be.  But I felt so inadequate and truly believed that I was permanently spiritually disabled.  Ultimately, as I came to understand His full forgiveness for me and His impeccable, incredible love for me, I was compelled to place my trust in Him again.  Then He would be sure to get the glory and I would always defer to Him as the being the source of this gift.  

 

It has only been in the past year or so that I have sensed the Lord leading me to help others again.  I want to become the vision-caster that Paul Riess was to me and to so many others.  But I had to be willing to dust myself off that top shelf, jump off in faith, and tread slowly forward in active obedience.   And the results have been awesome!  I never tire of watching someone “get it” because they were willing to step out and see what God has for them.  

I was recently inspired by an author, Bob Goff who wrote a book called "Love Does" where the author, who undoubtedly is a true vision-caster, challenges his readers to live a life of loving others, proactively, purposely, intentionally, definitely and actively!  I am still reading the book, and it is encouraging me to look at life differently and to see things outside the box, to be sensitive to listen to the Spirit's leading, and to allow myself to be used by the Lord -- AGAIN!  I can’t wait to see what the Lord has in store for me now, and I am not afraid anymore.  I do want to be a blessing to others and to continue in this vision-casting journey that He has brought my way. 

Thank you Jesus for your mercy and kindness and help me to be sensitive to the needs of others, to pray for them when they need a prayer, to hug them and weep with them when they're hurting and need a human touch, and to show them that you have never given up on them and that you have great plans for them (Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future).

Train Wreck

It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to experience... to watch it happen in slow motion -- this nefarious, horrible train wreck -- as it takes place right in front of me.  In dream-like fashion, I find myself running after the person, reaching out, stumbling,  screaming for them to stop!!!  They don't hear me; they don't want to listen, and they don't care.  Then the reality of it all settles in, and I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. That I cannot control or change the circumstances and that this person will have to live with the consequences despite repeated warnings from others, knowing that it makes no difference to them how many others are hurt in the process.  Even though I know in theory that I am not responsible, I know I will experience an excessive amount of guilt and shame, with dark voices screaming wildly at me "why didn't you do more? If you had only done this or if you had just tried to do that...."  The thing is I know I probably could have done more, but in my heart, I know it would not have been enough to make a difference.  I can already sense within myself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually - feelings of utter helplessness as I wait for this to happen.  There's no changing channels, switching gears, or turning it off.  It's just a matter of time.  The only consolation is that I know that the Lord is in control and that He is sovereign over all situations.  That He can take something broken and severely damaged and turn it into an unimaginable blessing that will bring honor and glory to His name.  It's just hard for me to separate my fragile emotions from my theoretical thought process   I know how I must think but I can't help how I feel.  I know I need to trust Him as I wait in limbo, believing that He will get me through it-- but it is so hard right now...waiting...watching as the minutes, seconds float by so slowly... I know in my head that He has never let me down even though I have disappointed him many times throughout my life. But His love for me is not conditionally based on what I have done or will do.  I just have to keep going back to the truth of the matter --  knowing He has my hand in all of this, that He is holding on tightly, and will never let me go...and most importantly, I just hope and pray that this person will be able to salvage something from this senseless wreckage, and that they will ultimately find the Lord and that their relationship with Him will be restored.

Accepting the Blessings of God

I have a problem.  With a spirit of resignation and compliance, I will accept it when the Lord allows hard things to enter my life.  I do not like living through those moments, especially when it feels like a bottomless pit that will never end.   Even though I don't always understand the “big picture” of the why’s and what for’s of the trials in our lives,  I know His ultimate goal is to transform me into a woman of God who reflects His glory and grace.  I know that some of those difficult times are as a result of unwise choices.  I cannot complain (though I will….) because I feel like I deserve it as I chastise myself over and over with unrelenting self-deprecation.

The problem is when my Heavenly Father wants to bless me.  I have such a hard time accepting those gifts.  There's an overwhelming sense of unworthiness, that I am undeserving (and I am) of anything good He wants to bring into my life.  I have never had a sense of entitlement like I have seen in some people – that God owes me anything -- and I have always been grateful for any crumbs of mercy that fall into my lap from His table of grace.  Those blessings create such magnificent awe and incredible wonder as I reflect on how much He loves me and wants to give good gifts to me as His precious daughter.  He does see me as precious, and He loves me more than any human on this earth ever could.  And its during those moments that I can only bow in silence as my fragile spirit yields innumerable tears of joy and unspeakable happiness. 

It’s a very complicated process because I love to be on the giving side – to be a blessing to others when I can – and I am so pleased when the Lord sees fit to use me in that way.  But to be on the receiving side of His blessings – to allow myself to accept His gifts graciously and with joy – that is an ongoing process which He is continually stirring about in my heart.  I am always careful to give Him the glory and praise for anything good He chooses to give to me, but I know I need to learn how to accept those gifts with a spirit of graciousness and humility.  I haven’t quite figured out how to do that, but I know He will lovingly and patiently teach me as He showers me with His love.  

Thank you dear Father for loving me as you do
 and for all the sweet blessings you bring into my 
life, and may I always be prompt to respond with
gratitude and joy.  In your sweet name I pray, Amen.

Broken Down House/Broken Down Me

Now, my house is not in as bad shape as the one portrayed here.  Most of the repairs in my home are cosmetic (although there is a large gaping hole in the roof of a porch which we no longer use - and the whole thing, roof, walls, etc. just need to be torn down).  I chose to live in an older farm house and probably did not realize the cost of living in a house like this and that would need a lot of upkeep. Unfortunately, as a single mom who is not a "handy-mom", I do not have a lot of options. I started thinking of the things that needed "fixing" and it brought to mind of what is involved with maintaining a home:  cleaning, repairing and maintenance, etc. I thought of five areas in the physical sense, but I also saw an interesting spiritual correlation to these same areas in my own life.

1. Regular routine cleaning.  The basics for me are laundry, dishes, dusting, sweeping, mopping the floors, cleaning bathrooms, etc.  I know that I am someone who does not particularly care for house cleaning,  but I also know it's one of those necessarily evils.  It's frustrating to get it all cleaned up and then by the end of the day or the next day, it's a mess again.  I am not a perfectionist and consider myself to be "organized on an as-need-to-be" basis.  However, I know I  need routine and need to develop good consistent habits and pass this on to my kids so they will learn these same lessons.  I know it is important to keep up with the basics regularly.
2. Decluttering and de-junking.  This is an ongoing issue because there are always "things" in the house that we don't use or need and flat surfaces that get filled up quickly with more piles of paper.  I have been trying to go through different rooms in my house and determine if I really need this -- have I used it in the past year -- why do I need to keep it, etc.  I know there are sentimental values and memories that are attached to some of those items.  A few years ago I bought these nice decorative boxes for me and each of my children in which I put various papers, awards, drawings, report cards, etc. It really helped cut back on a lot of the accumulating "kid paperwork."   I know I am not a hoarder, but it's been difficult to make the time to work on these areas. I'd much rather be out and about, reading, listening to music, watching TV or a movie than do these organizational projects.  
3. Yard work and weeding - This is a conflicting area because I used to love gardening, growing flowers, vegetables, herbs, etc. especially when I was a stay-at-home mom.  It was so exciting during the initial planting of the flowers and vegetables, with the anticipation of harvesting the wonderful benefits.  It was the "in between" time that I did not particularly enjoy, i.e., constant weeding, watering and clipping off branches of a rose bush or a tomato bush.  This was especially not very appealing when it was really hot outside.  I'd much rather be inside relaxing with the air conditioning and a glass of ice tea.  The results of NOT weeding or watering was evident in time -- overgrown plants with no fruit or veggies, weeds taking over or plants dying from a lack of water.  It was MY neglect which caused the demise of those plants.  After a while, I just stopped planting gardens because I really did not have the time -- working a full time job -- but also because I was not willing to put in the time that was necessary to ensure positive results.
4. Repair what is broken.  Since I am not a very handy person, I have had to rely on my brother to help me out from time to time when something was broken.  I have paid him when I've had the money, but usually I did not have extra funds for those repairs and could only pay for the supplies he needed.  I was so blessed to have some people at my church who offer, as a ministry, their time to help people like me with these kinds of minor house repairs.  Right now I have a few holes in my walls from when my boys were either playing around or fighting and it's been embarrassing to walk into the house every day to see that.  There are so many things wrong with this house which need repairing, painting, re-tiling that i just wish I could do the Extreme Makeover thing and just have it torn down and build a new one.  Obviously that is not an option so I have to make do with what i have and rely on the Lord for His provision in this area.
5. Preventive Maintenance.  This is one thing I need to work on more regularly.  Like change out my air conditioning filter each month or as needed.  Keep the floors swept and the dogs washed and brushed (to minimize the shedding problem), be careful about the plumbing and make sure not to let food fall down the drain causing clogs, keep the grass cut and weeds wacked (thankfully my kids help with that!)  In general, I am learning that doing regular cleaning, decluttering, weeding, etc. helps keep the cost of repairs to a minimum.

So how does all of this relate to my spiritual life? 

• Routine Cleaning -  I know I need to continue to develop and maintain a routine for the cleaning of my heart and soul.  By that I mean I should keep up with my regular Bible reading and developing my relationship with the Lord, trusting that this will help strengthen me in the long run.  I know I have been saved by God's dear grace and that I cannot lose this salvation, but I know that I incur daily traveling dirt and soil which often hinders the connection I have with the Lord.  I must ask the Lord, as David says in Psalms 51:10, "Create in me a clean heart O God and renew a right spirit within me."  I need to have a clean heart if I expect to have a good relationship with the Lord.  

•  Decluttering and de-junking - I know I need to take a periodic inventory of areas in my life that need decluttering,  to get rid of anything that hinders my relationship with the Lord.  As David says in Psalm 51:7, "Purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean; wash me and I shall be whiter than snow."  I don't want anything or anyone to keep me from maintaining my relationship with the Lord, and I need to be willing to "give up" those things if necessary. Easier said than done, believe me.  

• Weeding - this is similar to the decluttering.  It can be a bit more painful because of the branches in my life that may need clipping from time to time -- necessary in order for the plant to grow or flowers to bloom or fruit to develop.  It takes time and effort and I cannot neglect this area in my life.  If I do, I will suffer the consequences and it will take even that much longer to rid myself of these hindrances in my life.  I like the following verse: I am the true grapevine and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn't produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more fruit. John 15:1-2 (New Living Translation). 

• Repair what needs to be fixed - I need to work on repairing what is spiritually broken in my life or trust the Lord to do the repairs, as He deems necessary, as soon as it breaks if possible.  Again, this can be a painful process and not much fun.  

• Preventive Maintenance - I know if I continue to implement the routine cleaning, the decluttering, the weeding and repairs in my life -- in essence, that is all the preventive maintenance I will need. I need to be willing, teachable, available for the Holy Spirit to work out these things in my life, knowing that in the end, the following verses will be true for me:

 

II Corinithians 3:18 - And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image, from one degree of glory to another.  For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

That is the ultimate goal in all of this - for me to become conformed to the image of Christ, and that is achieved if I am willing to go through the process willingly and not resist His poking and prodding - to get my attention - to listen and obey the Spirit's voice.  Then when I get to heaven, I will have a new mansion, a new place to live and will never have to worry about repairs or maintaining anything.  I am looking forward to that!

To Whom Shall We Go?

I heard this sermon on John 2 - about Jesus and the money-changers in the temple. How they were not true worshippers nor did they know the true Jesus.  He asked an interesting question, "why do you follow Jesus?" Is it because of what He can do for you? Is it because of the miracles....

I thought about the "hard sayings" that Jesus spoke about a few chapters later in the book of John. This was in Chapter 6:60 when several disciples made the decision to no longer walk with Him because they essentially could not handle the difficult things He was teaching them. Jesus asked His remaining disciples, "Will you leave too?" to which the disciples replied, "To whom shall we go? You alone have the words of eternal life and we have believed and have to come to know that you are the Holy One of God." Those are some powerful words. That is the only reason to follow Him because He alone can speak the words that bring eternal life to the souls of men. To my soul. To me. Where else can I really go to find words that eternally satisfy?

I know there are times that I have looked for the short-cuts, where I have complained about the hard things that I was going through at the time, and I have purposely looked for the easy way out rather than to persevere. Thank you Lord that you have pursued me with an everlasting love and you have not given up on me. (Written by me in December 2008)

Looking into someone else's window...

I saw this picture of a little girl looking into the window of a family (not her own) having a nice dinner and having a wonderful time together. I don't know the story behind it, but it very well could have been me.  Sometimes I will peer into other's windows (figuratively speaking mind you) and wish I had that kind of family or husband or sweet respectful children like those I see at church, at the store in line, in the doctor's office, etc. I will sometimes wistfully look at other families and wish I could have the same kind of peace and happiness they seem to have. I don't wish for the material things that others have as much as I long for the peace and loving atmosphere that I see in other families and which is sometimes lacking in [me] my own family.

I know that all families have their "issues." What I may perceive as "something better" may not always be better. That's not to disparage those families; it just helps me to keep my rambling thoughts in perspective. I am also mindful that much of the peace depends upon me. Romans 12:18 says, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. [emphasis mine] and I understand that a lot of the peace that I desire does depend upon my attitude, my choices and actions.

I've heard it said that mothers are the barometer in the home; if a mom is in a tizzy about something; their children will often respond (or react) accordingly. If she engages her children in a warm and loving manner, more often than not, they will respond the same.

There's a quote in a book called "If" by missionary Amy Carmichael that says, “If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, than I know nothing of Calvary love, for a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water however suddenly jolted.”

I remember that quote usually AFTER my words spill out in anger or frustration. I know I am not always the best example to my children, and I find myself having to apologize and asking for their forgiveness.  I know in my heart that I need to look to Him to meet my needs and to help me become more content. I also need to become more proactive and change the things I know I have control over.

Dear Lord, please change ME and help me not to be concerned about any changes in my children or anyone else. Only then will I be able to learn more about this true spirit of contentment that You have trying to teach me these past few years. (This was written by me in November 2008).

I am Both Sons -the Prodigal and the Older Brother

(This was written by me back on 11/20/08)

I'm the prodigal and the older brother...

First I believe I started out as the older brother, the good one... the one who never did anything wrong, who looked down on others who made bad choices, who got divorced, who sometimes cussed and yelled at their kids, etc. - you fill in the blank. I basically didn't commit any "big sins" and always asked forgiveness for those pesky smaller ones. I obeyed God, followed his rules; it was easy. I also resented that annoying younger brother who left home early and seemed to get away with everything. It just wasn't fair that he got his inheritance early while I stayed behind and worked hard on the farm with such obedience.

Then almost overnight, I became the younger brother. After many years of marriage I was a divorced single mom. I struggled with unrelenting guilt even after I asked God for forgiveness for this "big" sin, the one that I had condemned others for when I was the older brother. I mean it's not like I went out and had an affairwith somebody, but still, I felt bad because I contributed my share to the demise of the marriage.  Even after many years, I still battled with the persistent guilt and a sense that the Father could never forgive me. Even when I knew in my head that my Father's forgiveness is full and complete, I would still find myself wandering in the desert in search of my Father's approval and love.

I don't really care to be either brother. The older one is arrogant, unfeeling, self-righteous and devoid of any real heart. The younger brother is rash, impulsive and wasteful. But at least he ultimately saw his sin as it really was and he was the only one who finally understood his father's love for him. He fully experienced the forgiveness he thought would never happen.  I don't think the older brother ever figured it out.

I guess I would like to be the middle brother (not specifically mentioned in the story) who sees the problems and issues of his younger and older brother and learns the lessons from both. The whole parable is found in the book of Luke, chapter 15, but I like the verse at the end that says,

It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for
this your brother was dead, and is alive; he
was lost, and is found. Luke 15:32