Baggage Claims

This whole topic of “unresolved baggage issues” has become more obvious to me in this “stage of life” than it ever has been before….I just wish when I was younger that someone could have helped me to see and understand this whole subject and the consequences of not dealing with these issues.  Thankfully, over the years I have learned more about this, and I have worked through my baggage, and as a result, I feel like I have become much healthier (emotionally and spiritually) in my perception of who I am because of all that I’ve been through in my life, both good and bad.  More importantly, it is because I know that the Lord has brought healing to my heart and soul and has helped me become a “different” person than I was before. 

Now even though I have worked through these things, I sometimes get "reminded" from time to time about who I was, how I was, what I did not have, what I could not have, and all the other negative things that were in my life...but thankfully, when those thoughts come into my mind, I can usually dismiss them when I re-focus on the truth of who I am in Christ and that He is continually transforming me into His image.  That definitely helps me to diminish those adverse negative thoughts.

First, let me describe what this is all about.  I believe that every person in this world has “baggage issues” whether you're married, single, divorced, widowed, male, female, younger or older.   It’s how we deal with these things which determines how every area in our life will be affected.  A “baggage issue” is something that people go through as a result of:

1.  Some kind of abusive or neglectful problems we may have had as a child with a relative, friend, neighbor, etc.  I understand that some kids are not necessarily mistreated physically by a parent, relative or friend, but they can experience rejection, verbal abuse or neglect by that person (who, by the way, more than likely was suffering from their own unresolved baggage issues)...and it's sad because a lot of children don't know how to deal with these things when they're young or even when they do "grow up."
 

2.  Some of us when we were young kids, may have watched our parents go through some difficult times in their marriage, which may have led to a divorce.  Those kinds of situations can really affect kids especially as they grow older -- as they deal with anger issues, resentment, even distrust of someone of the opposite sex based on what they saw in their parents' relationship.

3.  Unfortunately, there are some people, who as a child, may have experienced sexual abuse by a family member or a “friend of the family” and that undoubtedly resulted in some serious issues throughout their life.  I have seen that if one does not confront or deal with these things – then it will inevitably continue to perpetuate itself in a detrimental way throughout their life and will adversely affect their relationship with their family, their spouse, their children and others they encounter, work with and care about.

4.  Hurt or neglect from a relationship, i.e., someone you dated in high school or college. Sometimes when we were younger and involved with a person and it did not work out for whatever reason – we will tend to feel rejected or hurt by that person, and we can have problems with forgiveness which can lead to “anger issues” and other serious things.  Even if we have legitimate reasons to feel hurt because of what that person did to us – we still need to proactively deal with these things in our life, or we will become just as messed up, if not worse, than the person we broke up with (or who broke up with us).  It would have been better if we had viewed the situation as:  (1)  “wow…so glad I got out of that situation before it led to a really destructive relationship,” or (2)  I see that it just wasn't “meant to be” or (3) I see that we were not really all that compatible.  But for many of us, we never knew "how to" do that or how to think that way "back in the day."

5.  Rejection and abandonment from a spouse that leads to divorce.  I have seen in many marriages that even if they don’t recognize the “baggage issues” in themselves or the person they're married to – then often it will culminate into a divorce.  The sad thing is that even if you have worked through your own issues while you were married, but your husband or wife did not work through theirs (because they were either not aware of them or not willing to deal with them) – then often it will still result in a bad breakup. 

6.  Another sad thing is that when people refuse to deal with these issues, then these "unresolved baggage" problems will follow them right into the next relationship, and will ultimately mess that one up too...and it will go on and on, repeating the cycle of people's unwillingness (or unawareness of how) to unpack their baggage.  These unresolved issues can also negatively affect their friendships with other people, their relationships with their children, other family members, their interaction with their neighbors, their co-workers, etc.

Now I know that none of us are "perfect" and we all have faults, flaws, problems, and other issues...and it's how we deal with these things that will cause our relationships with others to flourish and expand or become demolished.  When we meet someone that we're interested in, we should not be extra critical and look for all their faults, but we should also not ignore the "red flags" of things we observe in that person which help us to see that he or she may not be "healthy" for us.  Once we have worked through and unpacked our own baggage, we ultimately end up having a different perspective when it comes to viewing other people (without being judgmental).  We can have compassion for those we see who are struggling just like we did, but when it comes to "dating" relationships, we should have a better perception of what we know is best for us, and not be willing to "settle for less than the best."

Another problem with dating someone with serious baggage issues is that it can cause one to feel like they have to “rescue” or “fix” or “repair” that person – which is also an unhealthy way to deal with relationships.  That’s what the “enabling” or dependency type persons do when they see people who are messed up – they feel like it’s their job to “fix” them.  BUT…keep in mind, we can help that person, and we can be supportive of them without being enabling.  

As I said earlier, everyone comes with baggage, but it’s more important to find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack (and you can do the same for them). We need to be loving, helpful, supportive and encouraging, but we need to do so in a way that does not hinder or mess up the relationship.  It is a two-way situation where each individual should be willing to help the other person in a healthy way and to be willing to accept help from that person who is reaching out to them.

 

Another thing we need to do in dealing with the “baggage issues” is that we should look forward and not keep looking back into our past.  Too often when we focus on what “shoulda, coulda or woulda” happened, we are not able to see the positive things that are going on in our life right now, or we can’t seem to perceive that any good things may happen in our future – because we are so consumed in our thoughts about what used to be, or what we lost, or how we were hurt, etc. – instead of focusing on what and where we are in our life right now, especially as we know that God will use all things, good and bad, to strengthen us (Romans 8:28). 

I have seen many people who are my age (50’s and up), both married or single, who have gone through so many hard things in their life and have struggled with so much hurt, rejection, abandonment, etc. and they still don’t know how to deal with it.  Some think it’s too late to change or become different – but it is never too late.  With God’s grace and healing, we can each become a better person in spite of what we went through – and we can live our life in a way that will honor Him, and we can help others too.  Now some may need to go see a counselor to help deal with specific things they do not understand or that were extra painful and difficult.  We just have to keep looking forward and not be consumed about all the sad, unfortunate things we have had to deal with in our life.  We can't change what happened to us in the past, but we can be different in how we "see" what the Lord has for us in the future.

I know that as a Christian, I can see things differently now.  It's like wearing a different pair of glasses, and I can often see the “big picture” from God’s perspective and not my own – and I can also see now that nothing is ever wasted in God’s economy, that He will use even the bad things that have happened to us – to help us become stronger in our faith, and to help us reach out to others going through a hard time too.

II Corinthians 1:3-4 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our 

troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we 

ourselves receive from God.”

So keep in mind that it is much better to unpack this baggage than to keep it wrapped around your life in an unhealthy way.  Keep looking forward and know that it's never too late to deal with these things, and remember that the results will greatly benefit you and everyone around you because the Lord cares so much for you!