I am Both Sons -the Prodigal and the Older Brother

(This was written by me back on 11/20/08)

I'm the prodigal and the older brother...

First I believe I started out as the older brother, the good one... the one who never did anything wrong, who looked down on others who made bad choices, who got divorced, who sometimes cussed and yelled at their kids, etc. - you fill in the blank. I basically didn't commit any "big sins" and always asked forgiveness for those pesky smaller ones. I obeyed God, followed his rules; it was easy. I also resented that annoying younger brother who left home early and seemed to get away with everything. It just wasn't fair that he got his inheritance early while I stayed behind and worked hard on the farm with such obedience.

Then almost overnight, I became the younger brother. After many years of marriage I was a divorced single mom. I struggled with unrelenting guilt even after I asked God for forgiveness for this "big" sin, the one that I had condemned others for when I was the older brother. I mean it's not like I went out and had an affairwith somebody, but still, I felt bad because I contributed my share to the demise of the marriage.  Even after many years, I still battled with the persistent guilt and a sense that the Father could never forgive me. Even when I knew in my head that my Father's forgiveness is full and complete, I would still find myself wandering in the desert in search of my Father's approval and love.

I don't really care to be either brother. The older one is arrogant, unfeeling, self-righteous and devoid of any real heart. The younger brother is rash, impulsive and wasteful. But at least he ultimately saw his sin as it really was and he was the only one who finally understood his father's love for him. He fully experienced the forgiveness he thought would never happen.  I don't think the older brother ever figured it out.

I guess I would like to be the middle brother (not specifically mentioned in the story) who sees the problems and issues of his younger and older brother and learns the lessons from both. The whole parable is found in the book of Luke, chapter 15, but I like the verse at the end that says,

It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for
this your brother was dead, and is alive; he
was lost, and is found. Luke 15:32

Clean Laundry

This story came in an email.

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. 'That laundry is not very clean', she said. 'She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.'  Her husband looked on, but remained silent.


Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:  'Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?' The husband said, 'I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.' And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.

Lord, please clean the windows of my heart. Remove the traveling dirt that seems to cling to those panes. Let me first look to my own soul, that it would be purified and cleansed by your Holy Spirit. Help me to not be judgmental of others and their shortcomings or flaws, but help me to see them clearly through your loving, compassionate eyes.
Amen.

Everything - He's All I Need

I have been a flawed follower of Jesus Christ for over forty years.  Most of those years have been fairly stable and consistent.  Unfortunately, there have been many years where I have had to live with the unfortunate consequences of my foolish choices, where I have no one to blame for my situation other than myself.  Occasionally, my heart has become hardened and disillusioned because its during those times that I don't always believe how much the Lord loves me.  I feel like He has abandoned and forsaken me and that I'm still being punished for my past.  I know in my heart this is not true, but this song by Lifehouse - Everything -- so clearly depicts where our hearts should be focused towards.  Even though I am not  "there" yet in that I live as though I truly believe "He is all I need - He is all I want" - I do strive for that to be true in my life.  Here's the link to the video and below are the words that speak very intentionally and purposely to my heart.

The Lyrics to "Everything" by Lifehouse


Find me here, and speak to me 
I want to feel you, I need to hear you You are the light that's leading me to the place Where I find peace again You are the strength that keeps me walking You are the hope that keeps me trusting You are the life to my soul You are my purpose You're everything And how can I stand here with you And not be moved by you Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? 
You calm the storms and you give me rest You hold me in your hands You won't let me fall You steal my heart and you take my breath away Would you take me in, take me deeper now And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you Would you tell me how could it be any better than this And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you Would you tell me how could it be any better than this 
Cause you're all I want, you're all I need You're everything, everything You're all I want You're all I need You're everything, everything You're all I want You're all I need You're everything, everything You're all I want You're all I need Everything, everything 
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you Would you tell me how could it be any better than this And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you Would you tell me how could it be any better-any better than this And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you Would you tell me how could it be any better than this 

Getting Pulled Over...

So I was driving my son to school and saw a state trooper behind me so I slowed down on the highway even though I wasn't speeding. The officer started flashing her lights and I didn't know it was ME she was after (ha). So I pulled over and started panicking.  She took my license, insurance card and registration and didn't tell me what I did wrong, and I was afraid to ask.  After she came back and told me my left break light was not working and further pointed out I need two new front tires (which I knew) but that was it.  Sure scared me because I haven't gotten a ticket in years.   It just seems interesting to me that I feel guilty when I see a police car behind me and I am not doing anything wrong. Kinda reminds me of how often I wrongly perceive God's grace and mercy at times.  I have a hard time accepting the sweet gifts that He wants to give to me and I feel so undeserving.  But it's true!  I don't deserve those blessings, but I need to learn how to graciously accept  them because He loves me so very much.  And then when the difficult things happen, I need to grasp those moments, embrace them, even though they hurt my heart and pull myself closer to Him.  It creates an image in my mind of how the Holy Spirit sometimes needs to pull us over to gently correct some things that need fixing in our lives. Just sayin.